So sick of feeling like shit

So, last night, I went back to the hospital again, because my chest has been hurting like hell again. They took an X-Ray and found nothing, which was a relief, but still no real consolation, considering it hurts when I take a deep breath. It’s pretty much along the bottom of my collar bone on my left side, maybe an inch or so below it, occasionally going down the left side of my sternum and it goes into my shoulder a bit, as well. I asked them if they could switch my prescription for Lexapro to Celexa, considering I can’t afford Lexapro, and they denied me, saying something about it being a controlled substance or something. That really pissed me off, because they just tossed the prescription for Lexapro at me without a second thought, but they wouldn’t switch it to something which is almost identical to it because I can’t afford the Lexapro.

This just sucks so fucking hard. My chest hurts and the doctors couldn’t give me any explanation as to why, and when they discharged me, they gave me a few pieces of paper with information on Pleurisy, which is an inflammation of the lining around the lungs, which my X-Ray did NOT show. When I asked about it, they just said, “Well, we had to give you something”, even though there was nothing conclusive about me having that.

I’m just so fucking depressed right now, and I’m scared because my chest hurts with no explanation as to why, I can’t get my prescription for the only anti-anxiety medication that has ever worked properly for me switched to one that could be considered the “generic” form, I didn’t get any solid answers to ANY of the questions I asked the doctors yesterday…

I keep wondering if this is how I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I’m so sick of hurting, and I’m so god damned SICK of feeling like shit. I realized earlier today that I’ve actually forgotten what it feels like to not have any pain, to not worry about something going wrong again, to actually enjoy anything at all. How sad is that? I have completely FORGOTTEN what it’s like to feel completely normal.

I try to be optimistic about things, but it’s really getting harder and herder every day to even try to keep it up.

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