I should have seen it.

I’m not sure what to say, right now. I can’t say anything, really, but I can try.

For so long, I was so happy and so proud that you were clean. When people asked me about my family, I told them that you were working as a carer, and that made me feel good. Ten years ago, I could not have said anything with a grain of pride, but later, believing you were clean I could say that you were a carer and leave it at that. I didn’t need to delve into any history, because it’s not anyone elses business, but in my mind, I thought that it was great, because your life was on track again, and I could feel pride in that. It’s not my place to feel pride or disappointment, but I’ve felt it. I’m definitely feeling it now. Dammit, I was so proud of you for keeping yourself on track for so long, for staying clean for so long, for trying to keep your life in order and succeeding for so long!

I’m thinking about that word, “clean”, now, and it means exactly what it feels like it means to me. I think of when I used to get stoned all those years ago, and I feel dirty, because it’s not something I should have been doing. I fucked up big time in that period and ended up living in a tent because of it. I think of those times and I feel dirty, because I was ignoring the things I should have been paying attention to. Because I was neglecting the people I should have been loving and cherishing, and I feel dirty for that. I’ve already made amends with the people whom I can, and apologized to the people I can not. I’ve expressed my remorse for so many things that were all my fault and known at every point that it was my doing and there was no excuse for it. No excuse at all, except that I was a weak minded fool.

My job is stressful, made so much more so by the fact that I spend as much time in transit to and from as I do at work itself. I’m agitated when I get home and in the morning before I leave. My response is to do what all musicians do and read, write, watch and listen to music. I don’t get stoned and hope for the best. I thought it was a bit odd when you started talking about drug tests and how you don’t like them. I don’t like blood tests, because THEY are intrusive. I think a needle in the vein is just slightly intrusive. I spent all day with a cotton ball in the crook of my elbow, though, because I needed to for my job. I thought it was great afterward when my coworkers kept pointing it out and smiling at me. Are there any outward signs of a drug test like a cotton ball on your arm? Ok, you have a point that cocaine will not show up after a few days, but marijuana stays in your system for an entire month! I quit smoking because I didn’t have a job and I had severely fucked up my living situation. I still had the funds to keep up my dirty habit, but I did not because I KNEW that if I got a job offer even a month later, it could still show up on the test.

Like I said, it’s not my place to be proud or disappointed, and I know that it is in no way my place to lecture, but I can help it. I was so proud of you, so happy for you. God dammit, Lisa, why didn’t you stop him? You should have known something like this could happen! Both of you should have seen this coming! Honestly, if I were there, I would have knocked it out of your hand and told you to buck up and deal with the stress. There is no acceptable reason for you to have done this, and the only thing going through my mind now is my terror at the thought of you spiraling again. I don’t want that to happen. Our family has taken enough blows in the past and we just don’t need something like that again.

I have two final notes. The first is that if you spiral again, I will never have any respect for you again, and I will never feel any kind of pride for you.

The second is that I’m not mad, really I’m not, I’m just disappointed.

Fucking…dammit, I’ve got to get ready for work.

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