This is a post.

There’s a Halloween party at work tomorrow night, but I can’t make it and that makes me sad. Refer to my older posts for my travel schedule, that being the reason why.

If I decide to go out tomorrow, it will just be around town in my freak/goth gear that I haven’t been able to bring myself to throw out. Possibly some eyeliner if I can afford to grab some. Thus, for Halloween, I am going as myself.

On a completely different note, my muscles are getting huge. Like, huge, huge. At least, comparatively to how I used to look. I know it sounds a bit narcissistic, but whenever I see my reflection, I can’t help but look at my arms. When I’m getting dressed in the morning, I look at my legs, and I think they’re someone else’s legs, because they are far too big to be mine. Same thing with my chest and shoulders. Srsly, I love my morning sustagen protein shakes.

Random note! There’s a sign in the dining room at work above the toaster that says, “please observe your toast.” Every time I see that sign, I want to grab a marker and write, “observe that it is awesome.”

Ok, weekend off, going to play my guitar and hate the frets for a while.

I should have seen it.

I’m not sure what to say, right now. I can’t say anything, really, but I can try.

For so long, I was so happy and so proud that you were clean. When people asked me about my family, I told them that you were working as a carer, and that made me feel good. Ten years ago, I could not have said anything with a grain of pride, but later, believing you were clean I could say that you were a carer and leave it at that. I didn’t need to delve into any history, because it’s not anyone elses business, but in my mind, I thought that it was great, because your life was on track again, and I could feel pride in that. It’s not my place to feel pride or disappointment, but I’ve felt it. I’m definitely feeling it now. Dammit, I was so proud of you for keeping yourself on track for so long, for staying clean for so long, for trying to keep your life in order and succeeding for so long!

I’m thinking about that word, “clean”, now, and it means exactly what it feels like it means to me. I think of when I used to get stoned all those years ago, and I feel dirty, because it’s not something I should have been doing. I fucked up big time in that period and ended up living in a tent because of it. I think of those times and I feel dirty, because I was ignoring the things I should have been paying attention to. Because I was neglecting the people I should have been loving and cherishing, and I feel dirty for that. I’ve already made amends with the people whom I can, and apologized to the people I can not. I’ve expressed my remorse for so many things that were all my fault and known at every point that it was my doing and there was no excuse for it. No excuse at all, except that I was a weak minded fool.

My job is stressful, made so much more so by the fact that I spend as much time in transit to and from as I do at work itself. I’m agitated when I get home and in the morning before I leave. My response is to do what all musicians do and read, write, watch and listen to music. I don’t get stoned and hope for the best. I thought it was a bit odd when you started talking about drug tests and how you don’t like them. I don’t like blood tests, because THEY are intrusive. I think a needle in the vein is just slightly intrusive. I spent all day with a cotton ball in the crook of my elbow, though, because I needed to for my job. I thought it was great afterward when my coworkers kept pointing it out and smiling at me. Are there any outward signs of a drug test like a cotton ball on your arm? Ok, you have a point that cocaine will not show up after a few days, but marijuana stays in your system for an entire month! I quit smoking because I didn’t have a job and I had severely fucked up my living situation. I still had the funds to keep up my dirty habit, but I did not because I KNEW that if I got a job offer even a month later, it could still show up on the test.

Like I said, it’s not my place to be proud or disappointed, and I know that it is in no way my place to lecture, but I can help it. I was so proud of you, so happy for you. God dammit, Lisa, why didn’t you stop him? You should have known something like this could happen! Both of you should have seen this coming! Honestly, if I were there, I would have knocked it out of your hand and told you to buck up and deal with the stress. There is no acceptable reason for you to have done this, and the only thing going through my mind now is my terror at the thought of you spiraling again. I don’t want that to happen. Our family has taken enough blows in the past and we just don’t need something like that again.

I have two final notes. The first is that if you spiral again, I will never have any respect for you again, and I will never feel any kind of pride for you.

The second is that I’m not mad, really I’m not, I’m just disappointed.

Fucking…dammit, I’ve got to get ready for work.

2012 and all it’s BUNK.

so, being a man of science (or so I’d like to think), I’ve been reading a lot of articles about the scienific side of 2012. After reading all of these article, I have to say, all of these theories are complete bunk. The mayan long count calendar is based on five digits, starting at and ending at Now, this long count calendar is based on segments of 5125 years, gregorian count, these 5125 years being, or one “b’ak’tun”. December 21st of 2012 is nothing more than the end of the 12th b’ak’tun and the 22nd is just the beginning of the next b’ak’tun, simply written as Congratulations, happy new b’ak’tun! Get the Martinis and kisses ready!

Now, some of these theories are a bit…insane. There are countless theories about countless different topics, and all of theme, if we had no real science or intelligence could be considered plausible, but considering we have science and at least some of us have at least a little bit of intelligence, these theories are not plausible in any way. For example, there’s the Nibiru/Planet X, the mysterious planet/black hole hiding exactly on the other side of the sun that will come out of hiding and collide with earth on the prophesied day. Much wtf, indeed. Another theory being that the planets will align and something or other will happen, causing the world to go through an immediate polar shift and bad things happen, we all die. The only thing that could affect the poles of the earth is the earth itself. Yes, the poles are gradually switching. No, that wouldn’t have that drastic of an effect, considering it takes about 5,000 YEARS TO TAKE PLACE. No, the equator isn’t going to change, the equator has nothing really to do with the poles. It just…well, is. It’s an imaginary line around the center of the planet. Now, does anyone remember the 5/5/05 planetary alignment? No? That’s probably because it DIDN’T HAPPEN. The same thing that was supposed to happen then is supposed to happen in 2012. There was another one that was supposed to happen in 2003, but when it didn’t happen, the date was changed to 2012 because people were already talking about it, and yet, people still followed these sensationalists. Why? Who knows.

Other theories are about such things as Obama being the antichrist and whatnot. Idiotic at best and not worthy of mention here or anywhere else.

Anyways, I’ve got to go out and pick up tobacco stuffs and exercise, so I’m going to cut this off with one short message:

Happy New Year!

Mayan style!

Click…click…click…click track…click…

I’m having to make click tracks for all of my songs. Not fun. Especially not when the computer slows down to an absolute crawl trying to keep up with all of my MIDI tracks going at once. All of my songs as of late have a constant instrument set: clean left, clean right, keyboard, keyboard lead, guitar lead, distorted left, distorted right, bass, drums. If you don’t feel like counting, that’s nine tracks going. Most songs, however have more tracks in them, such as, distorted center, clean center, keyboard extras 1, 2, 3 and sometimes 4. That would make fifteen tracks. Most MIDI programs allow only 16 channels to be used at once, so I’m just shy of maximum trackage. Craawwwling computer is craawwwling. On another musical note (ha, I’m clever), I’m going to be doing a special edition of MiseryFields with a second disc of cover songs, such as Master of Puppets from Metallica, Endless Sacrifice from Dream Theater, From the Beginning from Emerson, Lake and Palmer and many others, several from relatively unknown bands. I should try doing a The Human Abstract cover…that would prove interesting, at least. On yet another musical note (clever as ever am I), I’m going to talk to Sandra this weekend and ask her if I could borrow her keyboard. I’m far too rusty for my own liking, and I’d like to actually learn and play/record these keyboard parts I’ve written for MiseryFields. Then, even thigh it would still be MIDI, it would seem a lot less like cheating for me to have them in the album.

Ok, weekend off. Going to sleep…… Zzzzz…

Bangers and mash?

So! Working my new job, and hating the trips there and back. My average day is 4 1/2 hours long, and I spend four hours in transit. Lovely, no? I was talking to one of my coworkers today about my daily transport and she pointed out to me that I spend only thirty minutes longer at work than I do on the trains and busses every day. It hit me a bit hard when she said that, because I hadn’t realized that before. Honestly, I don’t mind spending all that time in transit, but I hate being around the people and the dirt that cones with public transport. Seriously, what is with people doing whatever the hell they want with their trash on trains and busses? Eff that in teh a, yo. I make a point to throw out all of my trash while taking trains and busses. Anyway, watching Harry Potter Rifftrax before bed and four hour transport surrounding four hour work day tomorrow. Also, awesome note: my coworkers throw food at me to bring home for dinner every night. I smile often and eat well.

Going stir crazy

I’ve been going completely mad without any guitar strings. That’s the first thing that’s been bugging me. The second thing is that when I went in to my second interview last week, she told me that I’d be starting on Tuesday, which gave me an entire week to enjoy my freedom before I sell my soul to a corporate venture. Ok, it’s not that bad, but like I said, going mad. I was planning to spend the week exercising and riding my bike, but it’s been raining almost constantly since then. Thus, no bike riding, and considering all of my exercises are outdoor exercises, no exercise. That sentence contained far too much exercise. The next thing that’s absolutely killing me is that I’ll be getting a new guitar and an effect pedal soon, and not having the ability to record anything has been maddening at best. Also, again not having strings is a nightmare unto itself. Of course, if I hadn’t asked Kendall to get me the cheapest guitar in existence, I’d be done with all of the demos by now. There’s this problem with my guitar; the fret placement is ever so slightly off, getting progressively worse the farther up the neck you go. Farther? Further? Anyway, grammar aside, that means that the higher up the neck you play, the more it sounds like the strings forgot what tension means and decided to do whatever the hell they want. Thus, not even the slimmest of cracker slim chances that I would ever use that guitar for recording. It’s good enough to write with, but only because if you’re playing with no music, and doing a solo, it doesn’t sound as out of tune. Still a bit off, but nothing too serious. Play along with something, however, and you’ll start to wonder if you’re bending the neck constantly without realizing it. I should probably cut this off…this didn’t go in the direction I was expecting, but it feels good to rant occasionally.